TOUGH Institute

A place somewhere in Tanzania where medical students are taught how to be real doktorrs..

Faculty Head: Prof. Mona Will

Faculty Members and Academic Staff:
Prof. Ike Flanflinger
Prof. Spike Chopstick
Dr. Tall Marshmallow
Dr. Curse Quietly
Dr. Hedley Bash
Dr. Randy Mullet
Dr. Flange Waring
Dr. Flick McButtock
Dr. Big Horse


Episode 1: Planning Day

It's planning time for The Faculty and the team are discussing the new semester's Med timetable..

Mona: Well thank-you all for making this meeting.

All: Grunt, scratch, shuffle, nod..

Mona: As you know we have a full semester ahead and it looks like it's going to be a busy one. I thought we could start with you, Professor Flanflinger. I've got you down for your usual subjects, which you've been teaching for the last thirty-three years..

Ike: Ja, off course. As usual I vill be teachink ze brain surgery segments (snigger, snort, snigger)

Mona: Any thoughts on new ideas for the subject?

Ike: Nein, it vill be ze same as alvays, usink my traditional Third Reich methods. I vill demonstrate ze tekniques just ze once, und then ze med students vill have a go zemselves. Full attention must be paid at all times. No talkink. I think it is better to make zem go for it and make their mistakes as zey go. It veeds out the veaklings. Heh-heh..

Mona: Yes, well unfortunately we have lost quite a few along the way..

Ike: Students?

Mona: No, patients. There's been a bit of a downturn in the number of live volunteers willing to subject themselves to "the advancement of medical science" over the last three decades.

Ike: Ah scheisse, no stamina! In my day at Ze Painn Instituten ve had to march around ze assembly grid reciting ze names of ze twelve cranial nerfs whilst whipping der mann in front with a birch twig, olfactory -ouch!, optic -yeeks!, oculumotor -ohh..

Mona: Yes, thank-you professor, I think we get the picture. I've put you down for Advanced Studies too, as usual. Hopefully some students will actually turn up this semester. Now, Professor Chopstick, I also have you marked for your usual subjects, any questions?

Spike: No Mona, thank-you very much. Anything you say, I will do my best as usual. Nice hairdo by the way.

Mona: Thanks. I had Luigi rustle something up during the holidays. He calls it his 'Burt Snest Special', although I don't know who this 'Burt' is..

Spike: Lovely. Very nice. You look smashing.

Mona: (patting hair into place) Now Dr. Marshmallow, still happy doing your basic anatomy classes and most of my administrative work on the side?

Tall: Oh yesss, oi sure am Mona me old love. Oim your right-hand man as always, yee-haa!

Mona: OK good. Now Dr. Quietly, I've got you teaching Cardio Vascular Disease and Disorders of the Small Intestine. Try not to lose your temper quite so much this semester, half the med students are on major tranquillisers since your last bowel-rupture lecture.

Curse: Well it'd be better if we had a decent fuckin' infrastructure to teach in. I mean, the surgical labs are just full of shit!

Mona: Well maybe if you cleaned up after your demonstrations..

Curse: Oh yeah always my fuckin' fault. And those lab technicians are a bunch of wankers too. Never see 'em around when you need 'em. Never tell you what's happenin'. Bugger all..

Mona: Shut up! Now, Dr. Bash, you will continue with 'Obscure Neurological Disorders I & II' plus 'Eurology for the Uninitiated' and 'Digestive Disorders of Anorexics'. That OK with you?

Hedley: Yup! Sure is. Did we get any sandwiches for the meeting? (rubs belly in anticipation)

Mona: Later. Try and take your mind off your stomach for five minutes. Now, young Randy. As usual I've put you down for Psychiatry and I've had to take half a metre off your cubicle space. Sorry about that. We may have to relocate you to the pavement if space gets a bit shorter. OK?

Randy: Yep. I tested it with my cat, Jethro. It's definitely not swingable. Could be a new record for smallness..

Mona: OK that about raps it up. Flange, Flick and Big Horse aren't here for this meeting, mainly because I didn't tell them about it, so we'll give them all the shit lectures as usual. Good. Any questions?

All: Nuh.

Hedley: Must be time for lunch, cobbers!

Curse: But it's only nine fuckin' thirty..

Hedley: Jeez I'm late for me post-brekky snack at the cafe. Catch yous later.

All depart to lose themselves in their respective study cubicles. The die has been cast..


To be continued..